This year Mashable is celebrating the season of love with Horny on Main, an exploration of the many ways that thirsting for sex affects our lives. Â
Listen, horniness is a huge part of romance, and social norms means we donât talk about that nearly enough.Â
Well, not here at Mashable. We’re spending the week talking about all-things-horny in honor of Valentineâs Day, which got me thinking: Sure, Valentineâs seems like it’s the horniest holidayâ¦ but is it really?
My controversial and brave opinion is as follows: No.
Naturally, this led to carefully ranking the horniness of 20 holidays (1 being the most horny, 20 being the least).Â
1. Fourth of JulyÂ
Fireworks. Bathing suits. Beaches. More fireworks. Casual beers. Summer heat and summer skin. Parties. Double entendre voice: Even more fireworks.Â
2. New Yearâs EveÂ
Everyoneâs drunk on booze. Everyoneâs drunk on the promise of the New Year. Everyoneâs looking for someone to kiss. Thatâs horny, folks.
3. Thanksgiving Eve Â
For the college-aged crowd, this might just be the horniest day of the year. All the Youths go home and hit the bars â looking for the high school crush that never panned out.
4. Valentineâs DayÂ
I get that itâs corporation-mandated horniness but alas, Valentineâs Day remains horny.Â
5. Labor DayÂ
Itâs the end of summer, bathing suits, etc. Everyone is trying to take the season out with a bang. Bonus points that itâs a long weekend, which makes people just a little more likely to get wild.Â
Something just comes out of people when theyâre dressed as someone or something else.Â
7. St. Patrickâs DayÂ
St. Paddyâs is in the top 10 simply because people get absolutely blotto and lose all ability to control their horniest impulses.Â
8. Christmas DayÂ
Have you even listened to Christmas songs? Like a good one-third of them are horny as hell for Santa.Â
9. Memorial DayÂ
Pretty much the same as Labor Day but itâs not quite as warm yet and youâre probably kinda cold at the beach.Â
11. Christmas EveÂ
Youâre probably not working, which is a plus for horniness. Itâs a nice time of the year. (Plus.) But youâre likely with family. (Minus.) And youâre likely pretty full from a nice meal. (Minus.)Â
12. New Yearâs DayÂ
Being too hungover to even think about bumping uglies is a real, real feeling that many suffer through on NYD.Â
13. Black FridayÂ
I mean, I guess shopping for deals could be horny? I donât know? Capitalism?Â
14. National Chicken Wing DayÂ
This is a big holiday for me. I love wings. Like, Iâm legit a regular at Buffalo Wild Wings. But, sadly, wings arenât really a horny food because thereâs just no way to look good eating them.Â
15. Groundhog Day Â
I donât know. This just feels like the right spot for Groundhog Day.Â
16. Pi DayÂ
Math ainât horny, pal.Â
17. Flag DayÂ
You just know that a certain kind of person out there â someone who unironically sings Proud to Be an American and really belts the line âCause the flag still stands for freedomâ â thatâs getting all horned up for Flag Day.
18. Star Wars DayÂ
See: Flag Day but for a smaller subset of people.Â
19. Presidentâs DayÂ
Get your presidents OUT OF MY FACE, that is NOT horny.Â
Everyone is gross. Everyone is too full. Nobody is feeling it and, besides, the post-gluttony nap is better than sex.Â